From the lady herself

Good evening!

Below is M's add request to the blog. So without further adieu......

Howdy all!. Saturday was a strong day in a week of recovery that is trending in the right direction. While not at 100%, knowing the tumor is benign is making the recovery very manageable. The pins/needles sensation and proprioception issues on my left side (arm, leg, face & tongue) persist, but all parts work great and my strength is symmetrical. They are confident that will go away in time as swelling goes down.

I really do think that now that Gargamel is out, strangely, his "not small" size is now in my favor (5cm x5.2cm x5.5 cm + some significant swelling) With space to swell my brain is less angry and my headache has been better than pre-op. It made me miserable for months and Saturday that changed and I started feeling mentally clearer.  

Thinking about Gargamel’s size and impact, took me to YouTube. It turns out, I'm not *quite* ready to watch the Frontal Lobe Meningioma Craniotomy video in it's entirety, but I could click through enough still pictures to get the gist and to see some of how I they use titanium “snowflakes” and “dogbones” to reattach the bone. I'm happy to have such beautiful functional art in my noggin!

For the curious, my symptoms that took us to this point are worth describing. In September I had my first unexplained headache while on a trail "running" vacation in Italy. Prior to that my rare headaches were easily explained by diet, dehydration, alcohol or Matt😉.  These were different. I was having a severe headache accompanied by arm/face/tongue numbness. Stubbornly I persisted and kept on running through the Dolomites despite scaring my companions a little bit. (Thanks Amy Mazz for sticking by my side ALL day after I mentioned these lil symptoms ;) They were resolved by morning & I didn't have another headache until October sometime.

The months following the trip I had a couple of episodes of dizziness and three more severe headaches- mostly at night. I was super close to calling 911 since they were accompanied by this creepy sense of impending doom. ” I can't go to the ER for a migraine/panic attack- I'm a nurse- & that's not a "real" emergency!” I justified ridiculously.  Being a nurse is hard - and even harder when you might have to be the patient. My crazy nurse brain just couldn’t concoct a medical reason for my plight. Ultimately, I had a weird 7-10 day stretch in December where I felt hungover but without the fun that usually precedes.  My brain constantly felt a “too full" sensation accompanied by constant mild nausea that finally got me in to see my health care provider-  finally I admitted something just wasn't right.

I discussed symptoms with my PA and a little bit about family history. Several years ago, my mom had an anomaly causing a blood vessel to rupture in her head. The neurosurgeon seeing her had said that there weren't strong genetic ties & that if none of us were having symptoms, we shouldn't worry. It seemed negligent now to not explore this as a cause, even though my suspicions told me otherwise.  Maybe it was a small cluster of vessels spasming? Maybe it's a mental health issue? One’s imagination runs wild! Given that lack of answers, we still decided it wasn't urgent given the slow onset and generic symptoms. It could wait until a new calendar year of deductibles and pre-approvals.

2019 started off busy with scheduling work shifts set up in clusters to accommodate a couple of vacations- I love vacations!  That pushed my MRI to the evening of Jan. 28... and a phone call delivering results the following morning…setting the whirlwind in motion.  

After diagnosis, my PA had a straight talk with me about what I had considered inconsequential symptoms. Now I feel confident in saying we know the “why” for those symptoms.  We are still learning the overall effects of the procedure, but it's safe to say I have a new-found curiosity and that has sparked an excitement to learn about me again. I'm curious if I'll be able to find my own glasses & car keys now? Maybe I'll get better with names?  Dr. Ross said Gargamel has been in there for 20-30ish years & meningiomas like him typically grow at a rate of just 1-2mm/year. So my "normal" was developing slowly, it was hard to notice the change in my ability to multi-task, process information, vision, patience, balance, strength, and illness recovery.  Without Gargamel in there taking up acreage, I'm insanely optimistic that without him squeezing my poor, beautiful, innocent brain, that my life will change for the better. The downside is Gargamel is no longer present to be my scapegoat for everything. Still, I figure I can ride a good 6 months of recovery before I really must own any of my sins. It's a great spot to be in! At 38, I am a kid with a clean slate!

I still have plenty of recovery in front of me, but the scariest parts are behind me & I couldn't be more thankful. *Benign* I just keep repeating that. I like that part!!

You folks have been instrumental is processing all of this. I thank you beyond what my words can express. You are priceless people who fill my soul and I couldn't be more grateful to get to have you in my weird life. I will try to eek out some more "guest posts" (with a LOT of help from Matt) to keep everyone in the loop. I get tired and I nap a lot. I get randomly overwhelmed and my texting dexterity isn't up to snuff, but it seems like things are getting a little easier every day. I love getting random texts, calls, videos & pictures- even if I'm often terrible about getting back to you. I just listened to voicemails at 3am last night for the first time in over 3 weeks...

I want to plan some gatherings, but I think my goal of this Tuesday was a bit ambitious. Multiple conversations and any sort of multitasking are still quite a challenge, so the idea of gathering people in public just yet is just too much. I'll get there. I just need to be patient. 

Love,

Me (with a LOT of help from Matt)